a cry

Thursday, April 20, 2017

I am told I need to let "it" go.

Why should I let it go?

To release the pain and the darkness....maybe....but why should they be able to go on with their lives?

Maybe that's the point. They aren't holding onto what they did to you, so why are you holding onto the pain?

Because I hurt.

Because it still hurts. 

Because I don't know how to make the hurting stop without going to a place of numbness.

How do you let "it" go?

Accept what was and what is while you are still dealing with the pain?

The injustice?

I know forgiveness is not for them, it supposed to be for you but, I am mad damn it!

I am pissed!

And I am hurting!

I still hurt!

When does "it" stop?

Because the pain they caused is rooted so deeply inside I see the world the way I was molded by them. The way I see myself was created in their reflection of themselves. How do you unsee yourself the way you have for decades? How do you break the glass and see yourself the way you should have seen yourself if it weren't for their distortions?

THEIR insecurities?

THEIR negative view of the world?

How?!

There are good days and there are bad. On this day, April 13, 2017..........I had a bad day.

But it doesn't discourage me from my quest to find inner peace and self acceptance. It doesn't negate the progress I have made. I tell myself that sometimes you have to feel the pain again in order to keep going. I hope one day I no longer have to feel the pain to continue to move forward. Until that day.....I keep going.

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